WHOA self-pity much. eh. I used to have fantastic dreams about far out places and big bodies of water some of which left me completely horrified. I'd meet strangers and sit on white sandy beaches. I don't remember my dreams anymore not much anyway and when I do they are usually quite mundane and unappetizing.
I know one small step is all that it takes. I wanna be subliminal and I wanna move you but I can barely move myself. I am lamenting over something that has yet to have existed I haven't failed but I haven't succeeded. Deep down I know that one day I will find my muse and something glorious will be born.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Thursday, November 20, 2008
ob la di ob la da (yeah yeah beatles ok, fuck you)
I bought a bike yesterday. A used purple ross cruiser maybe? I dunno. It was impulsive and stupid.
I've wanted a bike to ride around the neighborhood for a while, but I have no clue what possessed me to buy one in 28 degree weather and trek for an hour and a half on the subway. It was my only option cos a cab ride woulda been 56 dollars. 56 dollar cab ride? For a 70 dollar bike...uuhhhhhhhh I'll try to embrace the cold and man up to the bruises left behind carrying it up and down staircases and through two different trains.
Wooooooo I am strong for 5'2 and 120 pounds maybe 125 now since we skipped fall and it's frigid winter weather already and that makes me drink whiskey on a semi regular basis along with with plantain chips (meal of champions). Keeps me warm. YES!
Anyhow, I rode it the 6 blocks home. A little foolish because I kept on a sidewalk, there was nobody around and it's been well over a year since I've ridden one. Still pretty fuckin PUSSY! Come spring I will be less of a coward. (EH) I am already anticipating spring when we've had cold for about a week? Boy I'm ambitious, this winter's going to be long and dreadful.
I've wanted a bike to ride around the neighborhood for a while, but I have no clue what possessed me to buy one in 28 degree weather and trek for an hour and a half on the subway. It was my only option cos a cab ride woulda been 56 dollars. 56 dollar cab ride? For a 70 dollar bike...uuhhhhhhhh I'll try to embrace the cold and man up to the bruises left behind carrying it up and down staircases and through two different trains.
Wooooooo I am strong for 5'2 and 120 pounds maybe 125 now since we skipped fall and it's frigid winter weather already and that makes me drink whiskey on a semi regular basis along with with plantain chips (meal of champions). Keeps me warm. YES!
Anyhow, I rode it the 6 blocks home. A little foolish because I kept on a sidewalk, there was nobody around and it's been well over a year since I've ridden one. Still pretty fuckin PUSSY! Come spring I will be less of a coward. (EH) I am already anticipating spring when we've had cold for about a week? Boy I'm ambitious, this winter's going to be long and dreadful.
Monday, October 27, 2008
I wanna walk on your pins and needles
I'm tired of bombarding people with my complaints and inadequacies. I know I can't just keep it to myself, but how long can someone stick with me whining about the same old shit all the time.
I really don't know what makes me happy, maybe that term isn't meant to be an actual concept in my world. I've never been the type to be super motivated about anything, not even hobbies or things I supposedly love. If the mood suits me I'll do it, if not I'll just distract myself with the more superficial aspects of my lifestyle.
I'm scared to death that nothing will change, that I'll chase and fantasize about ghosts who leave me excited for adventures I'll never have except through them when I'm with them.
Attraction is a complicated matter. The initial butterflies come as objects of a different sort of desire. It's the crooked nose, the unkempt facial hair, the sour smell of sweat and beer, the intentional scarring and disfigurement, the drunken staggers, the mysterious yet predictable charm. You're a wolf. A misfit. A pseudo post modern philosopher. You talk big, but you're modest as fuck, because you'd never call yourself great, just say you were trying to understand it by kinda imitating it, but never admitting to it. I know your kind all too well, yet I still fall prey to all those paradoxes.
or maybe I just thought you were cute.
It's that vagrant scumbag appeal.
I really don't know what makes me happy, maybe that term isn't meant to be an actual concept in my world. I've never been the type to be super motivated about anything, not even hobbies or things I supposedly love. If the mood suits me I'll do it, if not I'll just distract myself with the more superficial aspects of my lifestyle.
I'm scared to death that nothing will change, that I'll chase and fantasize about ghosts who leave me excited for adventures I'll never have except through them when I'm with them.
Attraction is a complicated matter. The initial butterflies come as objects of a different sort of desire. It's the crooked nose, the unkempt facial hair, the sour smell of sweat and beer, the intentional scarring and disfigurement, the drunken staggers, the mysterious yet predictable charm. You're a wolf. A misfit. A pseudo post modern philosopher. You talk big, but you're modest as fuck, because you'd never call yourself great, just say you were trying to understand it by kinda imitating it, but never admitting to it. I know your kind all too well, yet I still fall prey to all those paradoxes.
or maybe I just thought you were cute.
It's that vagrant scumbag appeal.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Nothing Suits Me Anymore
This Life Is A Prison.
Everything just feels so heavy. Last night I had a dream where someone else thought I was pregnant because of my physical and emotional state. I can't seem to remember their exact logic behind the assumption or who it even was; but the comment "maybe you're pregnant" was the one thing I woke up remembering.
I wish there wasn't an agenda behind what we do. I don't want anything, I don't want to do anything. I just wanna lie down for a while, for a few days and not be around anyone.
If you like someone why do you have play hard to get? What's the purpose of that? "If you make it too easy he'll never want you." Uummm oh okay...makes perfect congruent sense. And it's situations like these that make me miss your roundabout ways even more. i'll never forget that second phone call. "people told me i should wait a certain amount of time before i called, but i wanted to talk to you." Never in my life had I felt so happy about saying fuck you to the rules and the game.
fuck that past! oh god.
Everything just feels so heavy. Last night I had a dream where someone else thought I was pregnant because of my physical and emotional state. I can't seem to remember their exact logic behind the assumption or who it even was; but the comment "maybe you're pregnant" was the one thing I woke up remembering.
I wish there wasn't an agenda behind what we do. I don't want anything, I don't want to do anything. I just wanna lie down for a while, for a few days and not be around anyone.
If you like someone why do you have play hard to get? What's the purpose of that? "If you make it too easy he'll never want you." Uummm oh okay...makes perfect congruent sense. And it's situations like these that make me miss your roundabout ways even more. i'll never forget that second phone call. "people told me i should wait a certain amount of time before i called, but i wanted to talk to you." Never in my life had I felt so happy about saying fuck you to the rules and the game.
fuck that past! oh god.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
I Love It When You Come Off Strong
I'll always be cruel and I'll cringe at the thought of you. You are an asshole and the fact that one little comment can make me so fuckin angry obviously says a part of me still cares. You are a fuck up, a heartless bastard who thinks pretention will earn you friendship and respect, well guess what it didn't. I think less of you now more than I ever have. Don't try and weasel your way back into my life with sporadic messaging and criticism.
Actually I AM a stronger and I'm pretty sure my experiences with you during the last couple of years have had something to do with it, not all of it; but a small yet significant amount. I still have no regrets; without you I might still have a little more hope; but without you I would have never learned how not to have any false expectations. Saying goodbye has never been easier!
my grammar sucks.
Actually I AM a stronger and I'm pretty sure my experiences with you during the last couple of years have had something to do with it, not all of it; but a small yet significant amount. I still have no regrets; without you I might still have a little more hope; but without you I would have never learned how not to have any false expectations. Saying goodbye has never been easier!
my grammar sucks.
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