My Brains Hurt

2010-03-28T18:25:00.000-07:00

I haven't written here in a while, but feel compelled to write my goals. I turned 25 a couple of weeks ago and have not come to peace with the fact that aging is inevitable. I have told myself I will quit smoking and I go maybe 3 days to 2 weeks and am back on the wagon or off? Whatever. So today it has been 4 days since my last smoke.....let's see how long I can go this time, I will take it one day at a time. I feel like if I can't quit at 25 then somehow I'll never be able to and it will be a part of my adult life for good, which I cannot let happen.

Also, the weight issue, I have complained and tried to rectify the extra 15 pounds for months now, nothing has changed. I am going to try and change that as well. I want to get healthy; mind and body. I have seen people move so effortlessly through the day I want that, I want to live better; breathe better.

Marriage and Reality

2008-10-06T19:31:00.000-07:00

Complicated Seduction

2008-10-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

I want to be better.

Misery DOES NOT Love Company

2008-08-18T07:48:00.000-07:00

And so it goes...I don't see myself here for much longer. I'm so tired man and it's so fuckin easy to complain and not do shit. It's so easy to try and fail; to try and fail. I'm not complaining, I'm not. My life is pretty OK. But is that it? just okay, do I settle for mediocrity? I am bored all the time, always and it's the same fucking song.

I want money, lots and lots of money. I dream about it, salivate for it, but I can't imagine selling my soul for it, what little soul I have; ha! I just think about all the things money would buy not typical shit like clothes and kicks but the good shit. The real shit; cameras, books, journals that I'll never fill up; tickets to anywhere and everything; planes, shows, films. I don't mean excess but a life where I could do absolutely nothing related to work and have money; and work is necessary, I know. I understand, but when you work for money it's just fucked up because it's never enough.

People don't believe me when I say nothing motivates me and if I could just have a backpack and medication I'd be good. If I could move freely through this world without the worry of practicality then nothing would matter none of that superficial bullshit. I KNOW I DON'T MAKE SENSE. I never will. It's not in me, my thoughts are wild as they come or maybe they aren't maybe they're just the same as everyone else's; a hodgepodge, a mess, a sordid love affair with pessimism and undersexed wisdom.

I've created a life around barbed wire

2008-07-28T20:21:00.000-07:00

I ...I >>>I

Sometimes I feel a pit at the bottom of my stomach and think something profound is around the corner

2008-07-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

This mind goes blank too often and when I find the words that make sense they get caught in my lungs and all I can do is exhale the smoke I've been holding in for so long.

I smell the alcohol on Jenny's breath; her hair is damp from getting wet in the rain earlier. She lights a cigarette and pops in the movie into her portable DVD player that her parents got her for her birthday last year. We're sitting on a park bench at 2 a.m. The bar was pretty lame, our friends are pretty lame. I met Jenny at one of those lame bars with some of those same lame friends. I don't think she loves me though, she isn't capable of that. She doesn't come from some fucked up past or anything, I know her too well for that. She just drifts ending up in the same place, but she doesn't mind, she's okay and people that are truly content with their lives never really need to hold on to anyone else.

If You Were Easy I'd Work Harder

2008-06-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

I created lots of scenarios for how things will end. I'm so tired of this useless mouth.

We break bread on scratched plates and dirty tables

You talk with a lacerated tongue

I work hard to bring home the scarps you call a joke

Where are those fancy knives we were going use for a chiffonade

of basil confetti in your marinara sauce

Food for our empty minds

In our back room you break this house

In our bed you wreck your vows

I can't stand it when you eat with your mouth full

You were always the one to indulge

Blah this one was pretty bad, oh well. try try and fail!

A Paragraph Too Late

2008-06-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

When you come to realization that you're finally over someone; that's when the true heartbreak begins.

In a crowd I saw a face that reminded me of you. I thought about what an asshole you were. ARE. I can't seem to shake your voice out of my head; the way you ask me not to mumble on the phone; the way every word out of your mouth is like some redundant story out of a book I read in high school or a film I thought I should see. I can still remember the way it felt to sit in your car; it's easy to get lost in the way I felt, but fuck all that, memories teach us important lessons.

I don't regret meeting you, I don't regret all the time I spent missing you. I don't pick up your phone calls anymore. They used to excite me and make me feel important. But now I know I can't depend on your unpredictable attention forever. Maybe I'm stronger; in actuality I just lost interest. There is no point in dwelling in the past or trying to relive a lost moment, that's useless. I still live in fear that nobody will care about me like you once did and maybe that's why I held on for so long.

I've grown so much in this time, what have you done? You're still the same man; which made moving on easier.

Keep Exploring

2008-05-19T11:46:00.000-07:00

So last night I had a hodgepodge of thoughts running through my head while riding the bus down from New Paltz. I can't even remember most of them now. The sun had just started to set and all I could see out my window was a patch work of trees and marshes scattered in the fog. I was overwhelmed with this sense of impending doom. I've learned to deal with the consequences of my wandering mind, but last night it was pressing on me, this predictability that could come with age.The last time I had ridden on that bus was about a year and half ago with jess and...nostalgia can be a brilliant thing, but sometimes it's just a reminder of the inevitable change. Sundays are the hardest, goodbyes are even worse.

Every June I look forward to the endless possibilities summer will hold, I'm not much of a believer in fate, I never was, nothing just falls into place without a little friction, just a little, no reason to force shit either. Just here.

p.s. I wanted to publish this about a week ago...too lazy para siempre

Partial Randomness

2008-05-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

Talking to a drunk stranger on the phone at 4 a.m. is in of itself an intoxicating experience.

I worry about myself, I worry about you.

Why can't I work at work.

If I could write continuously for an hour it would be a blessing, but alas even this is a difficult task. Stories are one in the same, what matters most is how well they're told.

She stacked bricks in six
Walked barefoot on cold concrete
You're strange if you want to be alone
Keeping busy with nothing much at all
Filing the same papers
Running in the same circles
She takes a pen to jot down an idea
General wisdom is a crisis
A mundane ritual becomes a habit
Wait for the buzzer to ring him up.

"I'm afraid and I'm glad"

If You Ever Catch Me Talking To Myself

2008-05-02T21:14:00.000-07:00

Recently someone told me that I was crazy and NOT in a good way, sadly they weren't trying to be humorous or ironic, it's how they honestly felt.

Customize Your Insanity

2008-05-01T11:35:00.000-07:00

He laughed innocently as the cops put him into handcuffs.

Should’ve known not to step outside when they came.

Those suburban houses elicited ritualistic gatherings.

Kids with unwashed hair and dirty features.

Attend classes and work dead end jobs the whole week.

Look forward to this one Saturday night.

Hey you got a cigarette? Can I get a swig of it?

The music’s too loud. Shallow voices from the crowd.

Those parties they were all the same.

They harbored sweat and sex.

I will not succumb to laziness; the weather is slowly but surely getting better. I have a non-specific to-do list for this summer. I want to explore the city with a camera in hand. I also cannot wait to take my Little Sister out, I am excited to be doing something that isn't so self-indulgent. There are many places I'd like to take her and many things I'd want to teach her, although I need to learn a lot more myself before I can teach anyone anything.

Today I kept a promise and met up with an old friend, it was good to see her, she's a classy broad. She told me about a co-worker who was going to get in vitro fertilization in order to have a baby--- People will do anything for immortality.

ब्लिस्स्फुल सुन

2008-04-30T18:00:00.000-07:00

Continue A Passing Thought

2008-04-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

round one.

I stepped into Jenny's white 1989 Honda Civic; it smelled like stale cinnamon and cigarettes. Last week she put covers over the torn beige seats-red with little dalmations on them. She was always about hiding things never about fixing them. I kissed her on the mouth before she started the car, she tasted like the remnants of tart blueberries. She gave me one of her crooked little smiles before pulling out of the gravelled driveway.

We drove through the narrow rain glistened roads in the dark with a broken headlight. I fumbled with the radio, finally some noise, but it was all static, nothing but a sshhhrrrrrrrrrsshhhrrr. We finally came to a stop sign "I think I want some pizza before we head to the bar," Jenny said. We found a little shack a few miles up the road and shared a pie, more silence. Maybe that's what I liked about her, she was just so comfortable and sometimes nothing needed to be said.